I'm Sorry for another invite…but I'm not sorry for the reason why!
It took me way too long to build up the courage to hit that send invites button on my page. And it really got me thinking, why is that??? Why is it hard for me to invite people to join us on this journey? Why am I scared to share my heart? Why, why, why?
As I began to think through all of it the last few days I realized that God is doing something in my heart, revealing things about myself that I may have known already, but showing me how far I let these little fears creep into my life. I may be alone in this, but maybe I’m not. So here’s a blog about some of the things I’ve learned so far, maybe this will help that one person who needs to hear it. And maybe it’ll just help me to process more about myself. And you know what- that’s okay!
If I’m totally honest with y’all right now, I didn’t go into this whole venture wanting to make a webpage and share publicly this dream to adopt. I started making gifts for people I knew as a way to save myself a little money “diy”-ing things; and because I love giving and getting unique gifts! People liked some of the things I had made and asked if I could do it for them too. That’s what got my wheels spinning. At the start I never thought this is how I’d end up raising money for adoption!
***Real talk: I actually have been dragging my feet to put this website together. I kept finding other projects I’d rather be working on, I told myself it was all to get ready (and it kinda was) but I was also scared. What if this fails? What if I waste time building a webpage and no one even sees it? What if I waste money instead of save money for adoption? The “what-if’s” in my head are always endless.***
But after a lot of support from those closest to me…and a few of my loyal “customers” who kept me creating this past year (I don’t love that word “customer”…I prefer “dream-supporters”…customer just sounds a bit impersonal, and y’all are soo much more than that to me)…well here we are. I still have no clue what this little shop will look like in the coming months, but I’m willing to take a chance if it means we can get just a little bit closer to welcoming a little one into our family. I mean if I’m not even willing to put a website out there because I’m allowing my fears to control…how in the world could I be ready to walk through the adoption process??? So here’s to tackling those fears and taking the scary steps in faith to one day be able to love that child God has planned to join our family!
I’ll probably always be a chronic “what-if”-er, but God has really been speaking to my heart to focus on the good “what-if’s” too. I’ve been hearing him speak that softly to my heart, quite often actually, but I was also really encouraged by my old youth pastor’s wife’s podcast: The Next Right Thing (y’all should seriously check it out if you’re in that transitional stage of life!) I kept hearing from her, (as I went back and listened to ALL the one’s I had missed) and in my own heart that my next right thing was to take some step towards making adoption a reality for our family. That has meant a lot of different little steps, but it also meant this one.
This week has been one of the most emotionally exhilarating and exhausting weeks of my life! The support of my friends and family thus far has touched my heart so much. While feeling that excitement from the ones who know my heart and the reason behind this shop, there’s also been a part of me that feels annoying, like I’m bothering people by sharing this shop and this dream of ours. You see I’ve always known that I enjoyed being independent and doing things on my own, but I really didn’t recognize just how much that played a part in every aspect of my life. I struggle to share my “need” with other people because I feel like then I failed to provide on my own (see, even there, I felt the urge to minimize the need I have…but y’all adoption is expensive! We have been doing all we can to save up as much as possible by ourselves, but God has really been showing me that getting the support of others is ok. It’s more than ok, it’s allowing Him to weave the threads of others peoples stories and lives into our own)
Ben and I can’t wait for the day that we get to welcome a child into our family: when we get to give a child place to grow and prosper, feel safe and known, and to just be deeply loved. Too many kids don’t know true deep love. To make this goal a reality will take time, money, tears, and heartbreak. It will take help and support from others, and so much more than we can fathom right now. So I’m trying today to not let my fears of being too pushy…of being another one of those “sellers” on social media…keep you from knowing my true heart! I am an introvert through and through. If you know me it’s probably not cause I made the first move to get to know you (I’m sorry about that…I’m learning I have a tendency to hide from relationships because I’m scared of being rejected) I’ve allowed that tendency to control a lot of my life and friendships. If you do happen to know me, or if you read this far, you also know that asking for help is not a strong suit of mine. I have always found too much of my identity in my independence. I think maybe that’s one of the things God is doing through this venture. He’s helping to break down that wall of independence and helping me see just how much we need each other. I know there’s the saying it takes a village to raise a child…and I’m beginning to see the truth behind that. You don’t have to ever meet my child to have a significant impact on his/her life. I hope one day, when we see each other again, that I can say to our little one “This is one of the people that helped to bring you into our family”. I hope that each person they get to meet throughout the years will make them feel loved and valued a little more each day. So thanks for letting me share my heart. And thanks for being a little part of our story. Let the adventure continue…